Underwater

Isn't it amazing how one minute you can feel like an Olympic swimmer and the very next a drowned rat?

by Tamar Levine via all the mountains

Dear W&M: Should I have a Last-Hurrah Fuck?

dear w&m,

i've been with my fiance for a few years now and for the majority of the time, we've been long-distance. i don't believe in soulmates and all that other sappy bullshit, but if there were such a thing, he's basically it - best thing that ever happened to me. however, because of the distance, sex has been scarce. when we have it, it's great but i've been living in asia since june 2011 and he's in new york. this is the longest i've gone without booty since i started doing it.

it's not THAT big of a deal except that i'm also one of those anxious, panicky types. i'm coming back to america only a few weeks before my insane blowout june wedding and am completely freaked the fuck out about having THE sex. you know, THE-i-havent-seen-you-but-in-my-dirty-nighttime-fantasies sex, THE-you-are-the-woman-of-my-dreams sex, THE-its-been-so-long-since-we've-had-sex-that-we-cant-remember-the-mediocre-sex-&-only-remember-the-insane-times-thus-putting-a-ridiculous-amount-of-pressure-on-the-sex SEX.

one of my last fucks prior to this relationship was with a friend who i'd known for several years. we had a few too many drinks one night and the tension that had been building forever just kind of exploded. it was mind-blowing. it only happened that one time & we are still close platonic friends to this day. my friend B is an amazing guy, super attractive & obviously knows what he's doing in the sack.  

would it be way too jen-aniston, romcom to have a practice romp with B before the nuptials - something to get my confidence back before the epic wedding sex with fiance? is it normal to want to have a last-hurrah fuck before getting married? is this something i should talk to my fiance about first? what if part of the appeal is NOT telling him at all and having something that's my private farewell to singledom? am i a horrible future wife? am i freaking out for no reason? should i just hit up babeland.com and shut the fuck up about this already?

fiance & i are very open about sex and sexuality and have always given each other quite a lot of space, support and encouragement in this regard. but i think it's always been this weird elephant in the room that i had a considerably more... uh... prolific single life. i think he's still weirded out about how tight me and B are, even though he tries his best not to mention it. B will even be at our wedding.

i don't know. i'm just buggin out. why does this marriage shit feel like such a big deal and so final and apocalyptic right now?

signed, 
(not yet) FUCKED

*            *           * 

Dear (not yet) FUCKED,

You can fuck your friend, you can get married, but you can't do both.

First off, chill the fuck out. There is not such thing as THE sex. You have totally unrealistic expectations placed on it. I'd suggest that you get down to The Business right when you get back on the same goddamned continent. It may or may not be perfect, but who cares!? You've done it before and you'll do it again. Let's let simple math give us some perspective here:

Assume that a couple has sex an average of 3x per week
3 sexins x 52 weeks per year = 156 sexins per year
156 sexins x 20 years (give or take) = 3,120 sexins

So for the thousands of sexins in your future (not to mention the hundreds already in your past), why are you freaking out about this ONE time? Stop being a crazy bitch.

Second, don't fuck your friend. If you're having second thoughts, perhaps you're not ready to get married. I think it's normal to be nervous and feel anxious, but it sounds like you're both open enough to explore sexually and keep each other satisfied.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. What if he had a super attractive, amazing girl friend with whom he had hooked up with in the past and whom you've always felt uneasy about their closeness? How cruel and crushing would it be if you found out they fucked right before your wedding and she was in the crowd watching your special day go down? Not so cool, right? Don't do it (at least not with B).

Good luck!
Gracie


[If you'd like to submit a question, please email me. No subject too random. No holds barred.]

photo: Matt Wisniewski

Brains in Your Head

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.”

-Dr. Seuss

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Dear W&M: Americah, Fuck Yeah!

Dear W&M,

I wish I had a question about felching but I'm single and boring and concerned about faeco-oral transmission of pathogens. 

Therefore I will ask you for help of a cleaner kind. I am visiting your continent in June (mainly the West half) and due to my poor knowledge of American geography and destinations I need some advice. I am spending a week in Vancouver with a friend, followed by a week in Portland with another friend, then my Portland (originally Aussie) friend and I have two weeks to travel around before I head home to Australia (via LAX or DFW). 

Thus far we have toyed with the option of train to SF, road trip to Vegas and Grand Canyon. What do you think? Should I be hitting LA, Salt Lake City or Phoenix instead? Or truncate the road-tripping and head to Hawaii? 

Thank you for being wise and not a dumb ass*,
E

*            *           *

Howdy, E!

1. First off, DO NOT FUCKING GO TO UTAH. 
2. Definitely go to SF. It's an amazing city. So much to do/see/eat. It's my 2nd favorite US city (behind NYC).
3. It'd be great to spend a few days in LA before you head back. Perhaps hit up a spa in Palm Springs?
4. Vegas is a depressing hyper-reality cesspool, but an interesting sight. However, be forewarned, it'll drain you of all soul & cash.
5. The Grand Canyon is kind of meh, unless you're into that outdoorsy shit. A colleague's wife just recently fell into it while hiking and died!
6. I'd suggest skipping Hawaii, you know, because you're already coming from an island in region.
7. Phoenix, it'll be hot as fuck here in June (120°F/49°C), and there's not too much to see (besides me of course-- but that's not worth an 8 hour drive).

Bon voyage! Send postcards!

Lurve you long time,

Gracie

*are you sure about that?

[If you'd like to submit a question, please email me. No subject too random. No holds barred.]

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Cattitude!

Cattitude

You got some fucking cattitude

I can't believe what you said to me

You got some cattitude

Inside your fetal brain 

there's probably a whore

If you don't shut your mouth

You're gonna feel a blow

Cattitude!

The one you got! Oh baby,

Cattitude!

The one you got! Oh baby,

Cattitude!

by BAF via ESB

One Saved Message

TIP: When you're having a good time, try calling yourself and leaving a voicemail. Save it to your archives. Next time you're having a shit day, dial it up for a reminder of how happy you were in that moment, and try to be more like the person on the other line.

BONUS: It also helps to have you favorite people either on the line, or in the background.

Inspired by an accidental discovery of a voicemail of R testing his car bluetoof dialer, "I like kittens!" And an uncharacteristically giggling giddy version of me eager to join in on the technology fun, "...and puppies!"

...that and season 2 episode 13 of the Sarah Silverman Program where she gets super stoned and leaves herself messages, aptly entitled, "High, It's Sarah."

Instant mood lifter!

Everyday Jewelry

Clockwise from back:

• Enamel bangle, a gift from R
• Quartz bullet necklace that I got from Needles & Pens where Celia dropped me off after a dreamy brunch with her and Cheech AKA what I like to call Career Limiting Jewelry.
• Sterling spikey earrings that according to R are "a little new agey." I've been advised against pairing these with aforementioned quartz necklace.
• Minicyn stick earrings
• Personals & the Pizzas button that I picked up at Budget Rock
• Mini spike studs from Romantic Standard, Harajuku Tokyo
• Watch with magnets (hmm, maybe I AM new agey afterall!)
• Diamond studs from my ma
• Heist scrabble necklace
• Signet ring
• Trinity ring
• Wedding ring
• Verameat Vampire Crown ring, a birthday gift from my BFF
• H enamel cuff

Jack D. Jackalope Jewelry Holder by imm living

Dear W&M: My Husband is Bi

Hi Wool!

I'm not sure if my problem is super unique, or if this is just one of those things nobody every really talks about, so Dear W&M seemed like the way to go!

I've been with my man for 6 years, married for about a year and a half. A short time before our first wedding anniversary, he came out to me as bisexual. 

He'd never said it out loud before, and it was much harder for him to say it than it was for me to hear. I'm totally fine with it and constantly try to make him feel more comfortable with being open about it - I'm looking at gay porn and buying dildos and lube - I'm going all out. I want him to know I'm down. I want him forever, this isn't going to scare me away. It's actually kind of hot. 

Sometimes it's been hard for me, keeping this huge secret, processing it on my own, trying to find the best way to react on a daily basis. Sometimes he is positively giddy that I've been so accepting, and it turns him on to look at porn together (that's something we'd never done before). He's told me all the secrets he's been keeping for years and years, and is constantly telling me how relieved he is to be so honest with me and gushes about how unbelievable it feels to be so open. That makes me happy, I feel closer to him than ever. 

Sometimes, however, he is consumed with shame and guilt and wishes it would all go away. The more I encourage him to accept it and stop hating himself for it, the more curious he gets about it and then he feels guilty for wanting to be with a man because he is married to me. I don't mind fantasies at all, and I feel bad for him that he can't fully explore this side of himself. I'd probably be down for a threesome (I've actually done a M/F/F threesome before), but it's highly unlikely we'll meet another bisexual man anytime soon, let alone become close enough to him for my guy to feel comfortable sharing his secret. That just doesn't seem like a reality.

I'm 1,000,000% sure he's not going to meet a guy and cheat on me, which is what all the online message boards say (for the record, those are completely unhelpful). He knew me for 6 years before he came out, so I'm pretty sure he never plans to tell anyone else ever. How do I deal with the joy/shame rollercoaster? Do I stop encouraging him so he can continue his quest to suppress that side of himself? Should I keep helping him explore this side of himself (as much as a woman can) and remind him he can't just "turn it off"? All I want is to be supportive, but I'm not sure how when sometimes he appreciates that and sometimes he doesn't. 

Thanks for the help!
Wife Wearing a Strap-On

*        *        *

Dear Wife Wearing a Strap-On,

First of all, how fucking awesome are you?!? Think of how many guys out there who wish they could share their fantasies with their partner, let alone act on them!

There is a fine line between fantasizing about something and actually realizing it. I'm wondering if he has ever been with a man before? Perhaps role playing and fantasizing about it will satisfy the urge. But if not, it sounds like you're down for making it happen, too. 

Fuck the message boards. I think others in this situation might cheat because they don't have open supportive partners like you. This is something you both can explore together. As for the M/M/F threesome, just keep that option on the table. Maybe someday the stars will align and you'll meet someone who you both think is hot and want to bang (a win/win)!

But seriously, look on the fucking bright side, you will never have a boring sex life! Instead of approaching this as a heavy issue you both have to tackle, treat it was a fun thing (because it can be)! As for the joy/shame rollercoaster, just be along for the ride, play, have fun, and soon enough the joy will outweigh the shame when he realizes this has only enhanced your relationship, sex life, and there's nothing to feel guilty about.

You're doing everything right. Let him set his own pace, continue to help him explore, but don't push issue or bust out the dildos every time you have sex. This is only one aspect of him and his sexuality.

Love,

Gracie

[If you'd like to submit a question, please email me. No subject too random. No holds barred.]

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Your New Address

In June of 1945, Arline Feynman — high-school sweetheart and wife of the hugely influential physicist, Richard Feynman — passed away after succumbing to tuberculosis. She was 25-years-old. 16 months later, in October of 1946, Richard wrote his late wife the following love letter and sealed it in an envelope. It remained unopened until after his death in 1988 (source).

October 17, 1946 

D’Arline,

I adore you, sweetheart. 

I know how much you like to hear that — but I don't only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.

It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing.

But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you.

I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can't I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the "idea-woman" and general instigator of all our wild adventures.

When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.

I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and don't want to be in my way. I'll bet you are surprised that I don't even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But you can't help it, darling, nor can I — I don't understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don't want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.

My darling wife, I do adore you.

I love my wife. My wife is dead.

Rich.

PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don't know your new address.

via Letters of Note

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The Rosette Nebula // Waris

"I love her and that's 
the beginning and end 

of everything." 

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

via jak&jil and nasa pic of the day

Good Littles

The little things I lurve:

♥ When people say "irrespective" - It's so fucking hot and grammatically correct! Absolutely titillating! 

♥ Mistaking your dog's dreaming noises for the Words with Friends "bloopbloopbloop" sound effects

♥ Waking up on Saturday thinking you have to go to work, then realizing it's Saturday!! Then going straight back to sleep!

♥ That bittersweet feeling of simultaneous accomplishment and yearning after finishing an excellent book

♥ Pouring hot water directly onto a teabag, even though it be actin' a smug twat

♥ When a bulleted list lines up nicely (e.g. from this bullet onward)

♥ Actively feeling yourself growing through experiences (good and bad)

♥ When the dashboard's temp/time matches the report on the radio

♥ Rediscovering a product that you thought had been discontinued

♥ When you & your friend get each other the same present

♥ Remembering someone's birthday without relying on FB

♥ Laughing until you're on the verge of tears and/or pee

♥ Successfully parallel parking on the first try

Et toi?

via

Blue Valentine

"You can finish this movie, 
I'm going to finish our taxes." -r.

Maybe Next Year...

"Unearthen x Alexandra Cassaniti vial necklace (filled with your blood)

...a nice throwback to early-aughts-era Angelina Jolie."

"Chanel condoms, only $279 for a box of 12"

The genius minds behind Cat Party bring you a Very Politically Incorrect Valentine's Day gift guide. I'm so into the blood vial necklace.

(We're also not gift-givers.)

Numerology

13 years ago on the 14th day of the 2nd month, our 2 bodies --still unafflicted by gravity-- lay next to each other on 1 sagging full sized mattress encased in presumably 80 thread count sheets.

Heart thumping at what felt like 200 beats per minute, I stared up at the ceiling and blurted out 1 leading question that would create enough inertia to propel us through all of space and time.

"What should I say if someone asks if I have a boyfriend?"

And with 2 words and 0 signs of shakiness in your voice, you answered:

"Say 'yes.'"

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Love you guys.

Vintage Valentine's via What is Imperfect

Dear W&M: We're Gift-givers Now?

Dear W&M,

The guy and I do not do Valentine's Day. Like, ever. But all of the sudden, he springs it on me that he got me something. And now I want to get him something, because, you know, he's awesome, and apparently we're gift-givers now. But I have no clue what to buy him for said made-up holiday. Everything out there is just too mushy or involves crap around hanky panky, which is more than likely going to happen because it's a Tuesday and NOT because it's Valentine's Day. He's a practical guy who doesn't do jewelry (as in, he's already lost 2 wedding rings) and he loves his tech stuff. And really, I'm not so much set on giving it to him on Valentine's anyway, since he will be working long hours. So this whole 4-day time limit isn't an issue.

So please, help a sistah out! 

XO,

The Gifting Impaired

*        *        *

Dear Gifting Impaired,

Fuck your guy for being so thoughtful and breaking your no gifts treaty (literally & figuratively)! You're probably expecting me to pull an amazing dudetastic gift guide out of my ass and totally solve your problem by telling you what to buy, right? TOO EASY!

Gift giving shouldn't feel like a chore or obligation. Don't get him a gift because he decided to suddenly violate the agreement. My guess is that the breach was caused by him seeing something that he knew you'd love; which is what gifting is all about and NOT some arbitrary date on the calendar.

Forced gifts will inevitably feel forced. Think about when you give someone something you know will make them happy. Do you ever expect a gift in return? NO! (At least I hope not, because that would make you a shitty person [and I don't think you are one].) The gift-giver's ultimate gift is basking in the glow of the giftee's happiness and delight! So that's what you should do. Be a gracious recipient and thank him for his thoughtfulness (oh, and bang him). 

If he acts like an asshole about not getting a gift in return 1) you can send him the link to this post and blame it on me 2) you should probably dump his ass for being such a selfish, immature prick.

With that said, if you're still completely stressed about being empty handed, why not get some nice stationery and write him a long heartfelt letter about how much he means to you? Or get something that the two of you can enjoy together, like a fancy bottle of champagne, tickets to a show, passes to a museum, or create an itinerary for a day filled with his favorite places to eat/things to do. Also, this print is pretty awesome:

Good luck, and let us know what he got you, okay??

Love,

Gracie

[If you'd like to submit a question, please email me. No subject too random. No holds barred.]

mousie via

If you hadn't noticed, the theme for February is lurve. 

How utterly cliché!

1, 2, 3

Dear W&M: The Bars Aren't Cutting It

Dear W&M,

I'm 28 and just got out of a long term relationship of 6 years. I have been trying to go out and meet new guys, but they are all assholes and unemployed losers! The bars aren't cutting it, and I'm just not sure where to look anymore. 


Help!
K.

*        *        *

Dear K,

Argh! I'm sorry to hear it. Dating when you're 22 vs. 28 is very different. You're older, wiser, and savvier! You can't go back to the same watering holes to look for mates anymore because your expectations are a lot higher now. So, I think you need to get more creative with your venues. Here are a few suggestions:

The Dry Cleaners // Prospecting

The probability is high that single dudes who frequent the dry cleaners have respectable wardrobes and/or  J-O-B-S. Why not hang around a little longer next time you drop off your soiled goodies? Keep your eyes peeled, stay alert, you might just find someone that turns your crank! Hopefully you'll be making sweet new stains together.

Friends of Friends // Vetting

I'm a big advocate of dating friends of friends. Why? Your friends have already done the vetting for you! Plus, they care about you and have your best interest in mind. They certainly wouldn't want you to get hurt by an asshole (even if the asshole is their friend, too.) Just keep in mind that breaking up with friends of friends can be a little tricky, but it's a risk to assume if you're going to go this route.

Volunteer // Aligning

Instead of waking up hung-the-fuck-over next to some strange douchebag on a Saturday morning, why not volunteer your time for an organization/candidate whose mission/message you strongly believe in? You can do some good and potentially meet someone of interest at the same time. The best part about this is that the people you'll meet here will most likely share your core values.

Good luck!

Yours,

Gracie

[If you'd like to submit a question, please email me. No subject too random. No holds barred.]

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jeffrey lewis

A Little Bit Eternal

Jesusfuckingchrist, I want to be Michele Lamy when I grow up.
How fucking sweet and in love are they??? Makes my heart sing.
Thank you for sending this to me, Pour Porter! ♥