No. 2 - Dr. Drew Pinsky
Oh, Dr. Drew. Addiction has never looked so good. I used to stay up late in the living room of my parent's house and rub a few out to LoveLine every night. I'd be bleary eyed the next day at school, but I didn't care. That monkey Adam Corolla just made you look like more of a god. I love your new show, Celebrity Rehab. it's the only reality television show that doesn't feel sleazy and exploitative. You have a heart of gold. Call me, I'm addicted to crack [juice. was addicted to crack juice. was taking crack juice at one time for surgery].
No. 3 - Keith Olbermann
Yes, Keith... shhhhhh.... I won't tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me. This is one ballsy silver fox. He calls it like he sees it. He has a "Worst Person in the World" segment on his show. Bill O'Reilly received the honour a few weeks ago. Hilarial. Keith reminds me of the stand up ethical news casters (even I know he's more of a commentator) of the bygone Edward Murrow days. Keith, you can count me down & yell at me, bb.
Aww, fuck Anderson Cooper. No really, fuck him. He doesn't wear glasses and he's just a spoilt rich kid who grew up in a castle. Put on some of your mama's Gloria Vanderbilt frames, then call me once your trustfund runs dry. You're on notice.
edit: I realize my tenses are all jacked up. but I don't fucking care. grammar police go to hell. i'll speak in first/third/first/second if i want!