Friday, May 22, 2009

Now Playing: Puffy Assholes & Hard Livers

My eyes are swelled up like puffy assholes. Sometimes, after I cry too much, I put hemorrhoid cream on my eyes. I read that somewhere once. An old model trick, or some shit. I'm not sure entirely that it works, but the concept makes sense. Shrink puffy ass assholes, or shrink puffy face assholes, it's all the same.

Tonight while sitting on the couch next to my dad, he unknowingly revealed that the doctor told him that he only had 2.5 years to live . . .a year ago. Um, yeah, I kind of lost my shit. This was followed by a lot of "oops'" and "we thought you knew's." Yeah, no. I didn't know. Nobody tells me anything. I think sometimes they want to spare me from hard feelings, but that just makes them even harder in the end. Maybe they were afraid of my reaction. This blubbery reaction.

So, yeah. I'm getting to that stage in life where losing your parents becomes an up close reality rather than a far off inevitability. It's a strange feeling because my parents had me when they were in their 40s/mid-40s, so they've always been older than most of my peers' parents. Most of their parents are still able and bounding, while mine are rotting from the inside out. I'm sure some of you have lost a parent, or two, before. How old were you? How old were they? How did you deal?

I guess I really need to make an effort to spend more time with my dad. And my mom, really. Less crying, more enjoying and savoring the good times. R's cute attempts at making me laugh and this really cheered me up. Okay, thanks for listening, I'm off to go ice my peepers.

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  1. Blah. I am sorry to read this. <3
    And yeah, I do the same for crying, and it DOES work.

    I will have a delicious pie for you whenever you want to come to the diner.

  2. Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache. I have no pie to offer you, but I can send a huge virtual hug from the other side of the planet.

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO <--- the hug

  3. gracie!!! I wish I was there with you. I can only soothe u with text and not hugs or a good bottle of wine. :( It's so wild how much we have alike. My parents also had me in their 40s. I am so sorry to hear about your father. My dad was diagnosed w parkinson disease 5 years ago. Its been rough but it's brought us all closer. (it's why I'm here in Miami actually. I wanted to be close while he's still my dad as I remember him).
    My family kept it hidden from me too. They probably still see us as babies.
    I am sorry ur so upset. Take this time and enjoy him and get closer. It must be immesurably hard to lose a parent. I pretend mine will outlive me.
    Ps I have antipuffy ass cream for that same resason. It smells like crap so I never use it. Did it work for you?
    I love you GO.

  4. Sorry to hear can throw real curve balls at times you least expect it. Death is such a tough subject and its hard to grasp losing someone. I haven't had parents die or anything but really close friends(not the same at all) and it was rough.
    I hope you have a better weekend! xoox

  5. Oh that just fucking sucks. I'm sorry. I lost my father when I was 14. And not much can be said about that except losing a parent is shitty at any age. Doctors can be wrong too you know. I'm sure you asked about the whole second opinion thing, but I'd be making him get a fifth opinion.

  6. So sorry, Grace. Lots of love and I admire your strength <3

  7. Oh bud, I'm so sorry. I can't give any helpful advice, but I think about my parents' dying and it freaks me the fuck out. It will not be easy when that happens, but know that we will make it out on the other side--without them, but with many others around us who love us and will help us get through. I wish I could be there in person to give you a big hug and rub your temples and put a lavendar-scented sachet on your asshole eyes. Keep the faith sister.

  8. dear lovelies,

    thank you all so much for your kind words and support. i think i was in shock when i wrote this. i will definitely savor the good times and enjoy every moment i have now, in the present, and try not to worry to much about the future.

    the eyes have shrunken again.


  9. Dearest one - I can't imagine what you're going through, but I wanted to tell you that I know what it's like to have (much) older parents, and all the anxiety that comes with that. I spend a lot of my energy worrying about their death rather than enjoying them. After this terrible shock subsides a little, you may find yourself wanting to savor every moment and focused on creating wonderful, memorable experiences together. In the meantime, I send you an enormous hug from New York.

  10. Parents dying on me was my biggest fear about 12 years ago. Since then and 3 open heart surgeries, including a heart transplant later, I'm actually a lot less freaked about it. I guess it's being forced to really face that fear repeatedly and accepting it in my heart that made it less frightful.

    BUT, if anyone tried keeping that kind of heavy info from me I'd kill them if I ever found out.

    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this but knowing and treasuring this time is priceless. Hope you find peace.


The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.