Monday, November 16, 2009

Kevin Polyp, my favorite actor...


Boy, have I got a good one for you! So, I found a new doctor's office two minutes from my work and I swear, this place is a c-l-i-n-i-c with a capital K. I used to go to a posher office with my Cadillac state plan, but couldn't bear the drive anymore. Not to mention the fact that my doctor was my M-I-L's BFF. It was  awkward to say the least.

Anyhow, now I'm at this KLINIC where it's more likely that I'll catch worse shit from the waiting room chairs than if I were to drag my bare ass like a dog on a rug around town. A couple weeks ago, I go in for my annual pap schmear and lo and behold my doc discovers a cervical polyp. EGADS! "It's probably benign, but we'll run some tests and give you a call," doc says.

A week later and nothing. I phone repeatedly, and get hung up on ten times by someone who cannot figure out how to transfer a call. All I hear is, "Hel-" click. "Hell-" click. "Heh-" click. Rinse, repeat 7x. I finally track down someone who can work this newfangled contraption called the telephone and the Latina on the other line starts out. "No results for pap yet, but I have the results of your STD test."

STD test?? This is news to me as, a) I didn't request one and b) I haven't been in the game for years. I suppose they were testing me because I'm a new patient. No bigz, as I've always had a squeaky clean bill of health.

She continues, as if reading off a mile long laundry list, "Chlamydia... Gonorrhea..."

I'm standing in the breakroom at work and my face turns lobster and my heart just about jumps out my throat. That deafening kind of silence ricochets around in my skull, as I begin to feel lightheaded.

"...all negative." She finishes, after what feels like eighty-eight eternities.

Jesus effing Christ, you CANNOT read off someone's chart like that. She shaved about a five years off my life right there. A few days later, I found out my polyp was not cancerous. All's well that ends well, I s'ppose. Nothing like a little pussy scare to keep you on your toes.

Zee End.


  1. Yikes. Maybe you need a different Klinic. I would be totally skeeved out.

  2. but it's SO close & i'm lazy :(

  3. Well! Glad you are healthy.

  4. OMFG on a popsicle stick! You had me laughing so hard I nearly peed myself.

    I'm EVER SO GLAD the laundry list of vaginal maladies came up clean and that your polyp is really more of a cervical beauty mark.

  5. i was CERTAIN for a minute that it was going to end in a simple chart mix-up... but dude. DUDE. everything about that nurse's delivery is wrong.

  6. what kind of job do you have?

  7. Omfg, reading your words I could feel those 88 eternities with you.

    I had a shockingly similar situation once in college. My mom for some reason received my std test in the mail with no explanation and she being the genius that she clearly is... read the test out in the same way. BUT, major fucking but here, she neglected to notice the NEGATIVE part. She quickly assumed and declared I was loaded to the brim all the -itias and -rias there was to be had.

    I died a little that day.

    I'm very pleased to read that you're ok though. (so sorry you went through that. A little pussy panic will send me to crazyville now.)

  8. Oh Deary Shite. I'm glad things turned out fine. PHEWF.

  9. nosy anonymous noserson, the third ♥


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