Sunday, November 08, 2009

sweet is the new snark

DISCLAIMER: I know, I know. "'Blank' is the new 'blank'" proclamations are just thee worst, right? However, it sets the tone of what I'm trying to express. Don't worry, I'm not going all soft on you. Well, maybe a little...

I guess the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem. My problem is that I need to check my inner bitch at the door & keep my pie hole shut. I realized this a while back and have been trying to work on it for the past, oh...few years or so? Every now and again, I fall off the wagon.

Which step is it that you apologize to everyone you've ever hurt? Can I just do a blanket apology here? I'M SO SORRY!!!

Somewhere along the line, I came to the conclusion that being bitchy, mean, and sarcastic was crazysexycool. In reality, it's kind of ugly and I don't like it. We've all been on the receiving end of bitchiness and it doesn't feel good at all. Making fun of people or having a laugh at someone else's expense just isn't cool or sexy. It's just plain crazy.

So there this guy we know who has been shaving his head for years and years. He surprised us all when he grew out this mop. Last night, I told him his hair looked like that of a 13 year old boy's. It did. It's long, flippy outty, and deeply parted with bangs in eyes (you know what I'm talking about). I thought I was trying to be helpful, but instead I was probably just hurtful.

Why did I feel the need to go there? I guess I felt like someone needed to tell this dude that his 'do is not very appropriate for a 34 year old man. A "for his own good" type of thing. I say I'd want someone to tell me, if I was clueless (not sure in reality if I'd want that though-- but please, by all means, tell me?).

Then, I felt even more like a major asshole when he said he was trying to grow it for Locks of Love. UGH!!! I said that was really, really nice. But then I just had to add that it grows very slowly, and that he should take some vitamins! WHY?!? Jesus christ, what a twatwaffle.

Followed up by, "Nevermind, you'd probably grow tits or something." I'm so ashamed! I am going to apologize to him next time I see him. That was all just really horrible, but I couldn't stop. He totally didn't deserve it and wasn't the type that would hit the ball back. I should really learn to pick on people my own size... no wait, to not pick on people at all.


  1. People who are nice all the time are so annoying. I just want to punch them in the face.

  2. nah--good on ye for noticing and chnaging it up...i now use the count to three rule to give myself time to think about whether i want to go all the way to obnoxious land or stay in "i'm just here and listening land". pretty nice of you to notice int he first place girlie.

  3. I love Bonbon Oiseau's comment.
    I often question which land I want to live in.
    Sitting pretty & complacent is okay... sometimes the funny/innocently snarky/sarcastic jerkoff needs to shine. We can't always keep is stored on the internet.
    I bet you he was lying about the locksoflove comment. That's like someone saying... "ohh your mom" and having some retardo retort "she's dead"... COME ON!

  4. uglygirl- yes. it's not my nature to be saccharine sweet. but i think i can tone down the 'tude a bit.

    deb- great advice! thank you!!

    melody- not making fun of someone isn't exactly complacent. i deserved it. hehehe :)

  5. I agree with all of this, and that counting to three (more like thirty for me) is highly effective. I definitely try to be "the bigger person" and to view "the big picture," as it's the only way to keep myself in line. Ex: when my grandmother smothers me with helpful condescension and I want to issue her a righteous burn for it, I ask myself: will I feel guilty about this moment when she dies? That's my general rule of thumb, I guess.

  6. I think you did the right thing. SOMEBODY has to tell people when their hair looks ridiculous. my own personal husband has been threatening to grow his hair out for locks of love and I can't take it any more. long hair = hot. sensitive new age ponytail guy ≠ hot. am I a bitch? maybe. but I'm tired of hearing him complain about the dreads. and locks of love was designed for long-haired people to donate hair when they cut it off. not for short-haired people to torture themselves.

    guess we know which side of snark I fall on.


The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.