Friday, January 15, 2010

Make do

Finding substitutes and making the most of what you have is an essential life lesson. When I was six, like many kids, I used to play "house." We'd take turns being the baby, the daddy, the mommy. Invariably, the mommy would rotate to me. I didn't know much about women at the time, but I knew one thing: moms = boobs. Mine would lay dormant for the next half decade, so I knew I'd better make do.

Stuffing hadn't occurred to me yet. It'd be years before I'd discover that my mom's spongy shoulder pads were prehistoric cutlets in disguise. Instead, I'd suck in my stomach and fashion (rather low hanging) breasts out of the bottoms of my ribcage. I'd mash stoic plastic baby faces up into my costae fluiantes. I'd strut around sultrily until my face turned blue. Good times.


  1. I never realized moms = boobs when I was a kid. And I never played with dolls. I did know that babies came from something that vaguely resembles a hot dog in a bun.

    Talk about being totally unprepared for motherhood.

  2. I used leggs eggs (do you remember those- pantyhose came in them?). but they were two different sizes, so my boobs were totally uneven.

  3. now I know I wasn't alone in Ribcage Breasts.

  4. And know you're hootie mc boobie.

  5. @erin, hahahahahaha! i'm sure you're figuring it out as you go along. i watched that horrible miracle of birth video from the library. ughhh. also, the cosby show taught me a lot about childbirth.

    @sherri, LEGGS EGGS! a resourceful little thang you were!

    @sarah, yes! someone else! suck your stomach in now and laugh at the anatomically incorrect proportions. then cry when your tits actually sag to your ribs.

    @me melodia, HOOTIE MC BOOBIE!!! yes. that will be my stripper name. thx.

  6. This is amazing.
    I stuffed with tissue once I got a training bra, my mom totally caught me. Oi.

    But what I was a bigger fan of was pretending I was much older while taking trips in the car. I'd be in the backseat next to a window and kneel onto the seat to raise myself another 6"; I'd straighten my posture (stick my flat chest out) and lift my chin and pouf out my lips like I had botox, and that's how I thought I'd disguise cars that drove by that I was older.

    What an idiot I was.


The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.