Wednesday, March 17, 2010

U.F.: Shakey Shakersons Edition

Shaking hands is such a precarious exchange. Outcomes are so uncertain. And less than stellar outcomes are so unnerving. It's no wonder that Howie Mandell and the Japanese do not like to shake hands. They really know what's up.

I must admit, when it's good, it's good. There ain't nothin' like a solid hand shake. This one time, I shook an old man's hand that felt like a big, warm, fluffy pillow. I wanted to curl up and take a nap in his palm (and use his long white beard as a blanket, but that's another story--this is about hands!). 

With that said, so much can go so wrong, so fast! Your shakee could have dead fish hand. Worse, painful kung fu grip. Worser, try something ~*funky*~. Worsest, cough or give the appearance of malaise. YIKES! 

Today I shook someone's hand (twice!) and it felt like it was going to snap off at the joint, leaving me standing with a hand in hand, blood everywhere. Very, very disconcerting.


  1. My biggest hand shake pet peeve is when a lady shakes all limp wristed and dainty. It leaves me feeling like a lumbering oaf rather than the self assured well mannered woman I am. I believe that a woman, no matter how feminine she is trying to be, should shake with a confident solid shake.

  2. i am so neurotic about my handshake.
    this post has not helped to ease my worries.

  3. I hate noncommital handshakes. Like, ball up, you weiner, it's not going to kill you to take a little pride in your grip! Alternatively, the wankers that crush and smash can kiss it, too, because the idea of seeing my bone sticking out of my wrist makes me furious.

    Well, not really THAT furious...

  4. Hand-shaking spreads disease. In the hospital, I have to wash my hands after I touch anyone, to stop the spread of MRSA and other nasties. Thus, hand-shaking makes me feel dirty.

    Having said that, the "doctor" handshake is spot on! Every morning on the ward round as I ask the patient how they are doing, I simultaneously palpate their pulse at the wrist, as if this is a normal way to greet someone. Later, I wash my hands.

    PS enter my giveaway!

  5. The one I hate is when a woman presents me (another woman) with a palm-down hand. I don't want to kiss it, lady, I just want to shake it.

  6. Oh man, I am SO going to make everyone I know use the Bowler handshake...

  7. I hate the 2 hander.
    Who the eff cups over your hand during a shake?
    It's gross. It's like hand rape.
    Someone did it to me last week. It was so offensive and distracting... I accidentally did it to the following person I shook with.


  8. Nothing worse than the "dead wish" handshake.
    Bad when it's a woman, worse when it's a man.
    Always makes my mind wander to other facets of his life where he might be limp & pathetic...

  9. This whole discussion on handshakes is hilarious. I loved reading everyone's responses and I agree with Mouse. There are women who offer me their hands as if they're royalty. scoffs.


The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.