Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Guest Post: In which ESB gives you a pop quiz

How do you do it?

1. When I am getting down with my man/lady/self, I like to put on:

a) Marvin Gaye
b) Barry White
c) Nine Inch Nails
d)  _______________

2. To set in the mood, I:

a) Plug in the christmas lights
b) Light a scented candle
c) Are you kidding?? I turn off all the lights. I don't want to SEE ANYTHING.
d) _______________

3. Then I slip into:

a) Something lacy. Obv.
b) My furry suit. (Oopsy. Did I just say that out loud?)
c) Why bother with lingerie? Just take it all off.
d) _______________

4. On occasion, I close my eyes and image that he/she is:

a) Robert Pattinson
b) Zooey Deschanel
c) That is like cheating. I. Would. Never.
d) _______________

5. When we're finished, I:

a) Lie back and bask in the glow
b) Demand a glass of water
c) Dash off to check the comments on my blog
d) _______________

Please post your answers in the comments. I will calculate your scores based on an incredibly scientific formula I have yet to come up with, and the winner will receive an Astroglide gift basket (!) including three different kinds of lube,* a t-shirt (IknowIknowIknow, no one should ever wear a t-shirt endorsing any kind of lubricant), and a few other surprises. 

I kind of actually want to keep the gift basket. I'm thinking I might enter the contest under a pseudonym. I mean a different pseudonym. You know what I mean.


(Photo by unpiano)

*No warming liquid, I promise. I tried the stuff once, and I was not a fan.


  1. while i am saving myself for morrissey and have no official answer to any of these questions, i would like to note that the xx's xx is the new portishead's dummy (that is, the album by which anyone can get laid). scientific fact.

  2. 1. d) T. Rex; The Slider (in our early dating days my husband referred to this as my f*cking music)

    2. d ) close the curtains. not much of an exhibitionist- and that’s some nice, filtered light.

    3. c)

    4. d) ERIC. (this month, anyways).

    5. d) put my legs up for a while so that sh*t doesn’t run all over my legs. (this has nothing to do with baby making. that would get me an auto disqual, no?)

  3. 1. d. Nothing. I like to groove to the soundtrack of our own love makin'. ew.gross.
    2. d. kick the dog off the bed. kick the cat off the bed. turn on the bathroom light and close the door halfway.
    3. c. usually. or d. his t-shirt
    4. d. Honestly, I think up crazy ass scenarios...sometimes there are other people around but he's always just him.
    5. d. find my underwear stuffed in some crevice of the bed and pass out. oh yeah we are rooomaaantiiic.

  4. @Emilia Jane *never* Nirvana? I happen to know that you like Nirvana. And that Nirvana in bed is HOT. (Oopsy. Did I just say that out loud?)

  5. 1. I wouldn't say I often this ahead this far and we just generally get carried away and never bother to think about music.
    2. Take it all off
    3. oh wait...ok, I'll stick with that answer for both two and three. Just take it all off.
    4. My brain is carried away with other things at the room for imagining other people here!
    5. a

    Really we just get naked and get on with the nookie! We aren't fancy like you people and your music and mood setting and role playing! lol

  6. 1. We don't really plan ahead for that sort of thing. Back in the day in college, when music was necessary so that your neighbor's couldn't hear everything (or at least we all pretended that they couldn't hear everything) then usually some obscure indie band BF selected.
    2. Start taking off mine or his clothing? I don't feel like we do much in the way of scenery props.
    3. Anyone else a fan of garter & stockings? Also, BF recently confessed he's a fan of when I wear bathing suits. No joke. The world's most awful garment of clothing just became sexy!
    4. oh, i like option b!
    5. i like naps, if it's a weekend mid-day adventure.

    I love oversharing on the internet.

  7. Can't not join in!
    1. Ahh Blackstreet No Diggity - reminds me of my youth.
    2. Setting the mood just wastes time, I want to get down to the fun part.
    3. Oh nothing baby!
    4. I find it hard to focus on much else leave alone a whole other person
    5. Lie in the glow and demand water

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. 1. D: We have an ever-growing playlist. He curates.
    2. D: Mood? Psht. I'm with Emilia - you kick out the animals and there's your mood.
    3. Slip INTO? C for me, please.
    4. D: I create scenes. Like places, dangerous scenarios, etc.
    5. D: run to the bathroom and then run back to the bed for A.

  10. 1. D - Album leaf (the best)
    2. A
    3. C
    4. B - only on occasion
    5. D - wash my hands

  11. 1. We like bluesy wailing and guitar licks.
    2. Jumping on top of him usually sets the mood.
    3. My Astroglide T-shirt, ha ha.
    4. He can be Don Draper. I can be his mistress.
    5. Lie there until I catch my breath.

    (I'm totally doing it tonight. Thanks, ESB!)

  12. 1.) The air conditioning.

    2.) Pretend the dog isn't in the room with us staring at the bed and wanting in. Damn dog.

    3.) I'm with everyone else. Nothing, please. Though my husband did just buy some new paintball gear and suggested that he might spoon me with his goggles on. HOT.

    4.) We have imagination threesomes but the other person isn't allowed to have a head or a face, just artfully shot body parts. This prevents icky free associations like having my boss accidentally pop into my sex psyche.

    5.) I most certainly demand my glass of water. I worked hard.

  13. 1. D: I still think Radiohead Talk Show Host is the sexiest song EVER... it seriously just makes your clothes fall off.
    2. D: Nag Champa and Cheap Wine... does it every time.
    3. D: After said cheap wine there is no time to be "slipping into" anything...just slip on outta it.
    4. D: I think my hubby is incredibly sexy, but if he's in trouble, a little Johnny Depp never hurt anyone.
    5. D: pee, then A. followed by a dreamyyyyyy nap.

  14. first, i'd like to say that I think Amanda should win.
    second, if i happen to win, please don't send me lube for it ALWAYS causes me to get a UTI.

    here are my answers:

    1. D) our sound machine set to "rain". we like to think it helps muffle all the squeaking from our broken bed, which i'm sure is such a soothing sound for our downstairs neighbor.

    2. D) say, "wanna do it?"

    3. C) why do i want to put ANYTHING on right before i'm about to get laid?

    4. D) donmotherfuckingdraper.

    5. D) pass out. i've never been able to stay awake for longer than 90 seconds after sex.

  15. 1. D - whatever's on when we start making eyes at/fondling each other.
    2. D - usually simply state my dishonourable intentions. Although we have been known to break out B when we're feeling all fancy and shit.
    3. C - although garters & stockings get a VERY enthusiastic response when I can be arsed.
    4. D - usually just him, but him when we were ________ (insert dirty sex story of your choice), when things are feeling particularly vanilla.
    5. D - pee, then pass out. UTIs are a bitch.

  16. Me too, don't choose me! Not that I wouldn't want some lube, but technically I stay away from giveaways and let the other people win. I just couldn't help responding to this one, duh.

    1. d) no music. humidifier - muffles our sexy noises better. his crabby-ass roommate would probably get mad if we put on music.
    2. d) expose my bottom, our mutual favorites.
    3. d) oh no, no clothes nor lingerie. too much. accessories such as scarves can be nice, however.
    4. d) i have a terrible imagination and would you believe me if i said i never pictured doing it with anyone, ever, not even my boyfriend? i keep my eyes open and watch, thank you.
    5. d) laugh. for some fucking reason, we're always in stitches about something afterward, like me sneezing and making things messier, or his stomach making a loud gurgle, or falling off the bed trying to reach for water. it's pretty great.

  17. d. whatever is on. no time for music.

    d. vodka/turning off the ac to entice me to take of my clothes.

    c. however he purchased a very short pink skirt that sometimes makes an appearance.

    d. we narrate imagination threesomes... or foursomes.

    d. turn on the fan because now ohmygoditssohot, then return to bed for the basking in the goodness/glow thing.

  18. Ahahaha, This is the coolest giveaway EVER.

    1) C, Nine Inch Nails. My lover starts singing closer in my ear and I nearly let him have me in public locations. XD

    2) D, I just bite his neck and wait for him to retaliate.

    3) D, slip off the panties and shove the bra/shirt out of the way. and if i have the time, a leather collar.

    4) C, because I've never had the notion to do so, I've never wanted anyone else. (Besides, he's a freakin' god in bed.

    5) D, SNUGGLE.

    Thanks for the most amusing pop quiz I've ever taken!

  19. 1) D) The Stooges. Clearly. (Although there was that one time with NWA blasting, which it turns out is kind of hilarious accompaniment.

    2) D) Get naked.

    3) C) see above reply.

    4) D) a viking.

    5) D) Suggest we do it again. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes not.

  20. @accordiansandlace do it again?! i thought only 18 year olds could pull that shit off. i'm impressed!

  21. @accordiansandlace and when you say "a viking"... I trust that you mean ERIC.

  22. 1. D. No music. Whatever was on usually gets turned off.

    2. D. Start giving some awesome falatio, duh.

    3. C. Slip OFF.

    4. D. Barak. That photo of him in Hawaii was freaking hot.

    5. Both A & B. And sometimes watch the Daily Show.

  23. 1. Eye of the Tiger. Or something by Frank Stallone
    2. Put on Eye of the Tiger. (I do have a red light, too!)
    3. Depends if I've waxed
    4. umm...not Sylvester Stallone in Rocky
    5. pretend I have to go to work.

    PS That is a freakin' cool picture.
    PPS Count me out of the Astroglide thing. It makes me think of stars, which are pointy and burn.

  24. 1. D. We usually turn on a fan or air conditioner to drown out the noises so our neighbors don't get too jealous.

    2. B. Candles are always nice.

    3. C. I've discovered that lingerie is highly overrated - why waste money on something that gets taken off usually 5 seconds later.

    4. D. Usually my hubby is enough, but there's the occasion when it's nice to imagine he's a young Sean Connery ala James Bond - that sexy voice - how can I resist!

    5. D. A mix of basking in the glow, but in this heat and humidity - usually it's immediately holding the fan up for one another and drying off the sweat. ;)

  25. AAA this is great fun! and inspiring:P
    i'd be super stoked to get a lube buffet basket...much better to get it in a partly anonymous online survey than from your sister at your bachlorette party...
    1. Can't listen to music. have tried unsuccessfully. I end up either humming or moving to the rythm. it usually confuses the boy.
    2. insert blatantly sexual comment into otherwise mundane conversation
    3. take it all off. as fast as possible. with the exception of thigh-high stockings, which i rarely wear anyway.
    4. would astroglide lead to astronaut fantasies?
    5. find a cool spot on the bed/floor, sleep. (everyone's 5's are making me feel a lot less guilty for hating to cuddle afterwards. it's just Too D**** Hot!

  26. Celia, I mostly think it's funny to see him look panicked at the suggestion.

  27. D. a little porn never hurt no one

    D. ninja-sneak into the shower. nothing screams sexy like turning around with head and shoulders in your eyes to find a naked girlfriend standing...watching.

    C. i show the goodies, baby...except for when the bf wants the black thigh-highs to make an appearance. then, you know, its just me being very naked and wearing pantyhose.

    D. just the dude,usually. sometimes a hot babe sneaks into the scene.

    D. pee. and then get all post-coital, watch tosh.0 and make boyfriend hold hands with me. toohotforcuddlinggetyoursweatybodyawayfromme.

  28. 1. DUH! d) Pearl Jam.

    2. Well, d) because it's different each time...sometimes total darkness is ah-may-zing because we're only focused on the feeling of our bodies touching and our breath. But he's so hot, so I also like lights on sometimes. Woo! Now it's hot in here!

    3. I'm actually a tomboy, but a) something lacy. He actually calls them my "lacies". :)

    4. Honestly d) because what more could I possibly be imaging? Honestly, he is a total fantasy. So. Hot. I am so lucky.

    5. a) and then fall asleep either giving or getting a back rub.

    I know all you bitches are jealous!! Haha :) But really. I have had my share of less than spectacular relationships. Now that I know what a good man is like, in bed, in love, in life...I'll never sell myself short again. :) You shouldn't either.

  29. 1. Ambient clanking noises that come from the basement.
    2. Fire place. We're classy as shit!
    3. Full steampunk attire and old rusty sex toys that have lots of exposed gears in the gun holsters.
    5. Administer a penis massage and check for bruises.

    I want that t-shirt. SO BAD.

  30. Also,

  31. 1. D.
    When we first started going out 4 years ago it would be something nice like Grizzly Bear. Now it's the t.v. since we just decide to do it suddenly.

    2. D.
    Sometimes unbutton the first couple of buttons on my shirt sometimes just jump on top of him.

    3. C.
    Eventually I end up taking it all off, but sometimes we're rushed and it happens along the way.

    4. D.
    tres leches cake. that is how much I love that fucking cake.

    5. B. / D.
    Drink his cup of water he has by the bed and then fall asleep

  32. 1. the Swedish Viking death metal band Amon Amarth
    2. slip myself a roofie
    3. unconsciousness
    4. Carrot Top
    5. squirm away from the wet spot

  33. Awesome giveaway!
    1. Slipknot!!!
    2. Give my man a lapdance :0)
    3. Nothing but my birthday suite
    4. My fav. wrestler of course The Undertaker :0)
    5. I like to cuddle with my man!

  34. 1. D. Whatever is grooving in my fine head. The credit music to Dexter was a pretty interesting tune...

    2. D. Usually take off my pants.

    3. D. See #2

    4. D. the Bearded Wonder. Which he is. Does that make this a hyperbolic answer?

    5. Take a pee. No one wants a UTI.

  35. I love this post.

    Here are my crackpot responses:

    1. When I am getting down with my man, I like to put on:

    d) I'd like to say that Pink Moon is our sexy album, but lately it's the muffled background noise of something on the foodnetwork.

    2. To set in the mood, I:

    d) take Parker off the bed and give his bits & pieces a good stare in the eye

    3. Then I slip into:

    a) Something lacy.
    (and safe check the pits)

    4. On occasion, I close my eyes and image that he/she is:

    d) Dexter.
    (slightly embarrassed to admit that)

    5. When we're finished, I:

    b) Demand a glass of water
    (and then go pee- those UTI nightmares will always haunt me.)


The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.