Sunday, July 04, 2010

QVC/OCD


My mom has some serious self control issues. Her latest compulsion is QVC/television shopping. I can't stop her. I've toyed with the notion of donning a ski mask and clipping through her cable lines in the dark of night.

It's difficult, because she's so excited to bestow upon me the latest miracle serum, etc. I accept all my sundries graciously and thank her, but tell her to save her money. But mostly, I pretty much just like to see that glimmer of happiness in her eye. 

I fake it. "OH BOY! I LLLOVE IT! Thanks SO much."

Here's a partial list of what she's ordered for me lately:
  • A faux ponytail/phonytail. It's surprisingly realistic. At first, I was slightly concerned that some small child in Bangladesh was scalped for the sake of western vanity. Then, once I got a faint whiff of Barbie hair, my mild fears were extinguished.
  • Dr. Dbag's lip enhancing serum. Chock full of CAPSAICIN extract. Ouch!!! FACK! I slathered some on (even though, if I may say so myself, my lips are pretty full already), followed up with some collagen whatever builder. I now look like Angelina Jolie & a blow up doll's illegitimate love child.
  • "2 Minute Miracle Exfoliating Gel". Some pink shit that you're supposed to rub off, but it's really just the product that's sloughing off, NOT your dead skin cells.
  • A black sheer sequined dolman top that R says makes me look "very mature." I'm sorta into it, but maybe I'll tuck it away for 30 years, then whip it out for the casinos & buffets.
  • Not one, but two semi fug necklaces with Tahitian pearls
  • A turquoise necklace that resembles big blue gum balls. I'm sorta into it. Makes me feel like an earthy Marge Simpson. 
  • Deco-era sea urchinesque sapphire ring, that I was actually so fucking into, but LOST, because I'm an idiot and can't take care of nice things.
  • A ruffled white dress shirt that made me feel semi-clownish, yet had that certain Hillary Clinton aura. I kept it.
  • A steamer trunk full of "silver"ware. I'll be prepared if I ever need to host a dinner on the goddamn Titanic.
  • A Montel Williams blender that blew up in smoke after 2 uses. (MONTEL, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.)
  • Turquoise drip earrings
  • Long gold crazy earrings
  • A cobalt blue jacket with stand up collar and gigantor gold grommets (politely declined that one).
  • A Wolfgang Puck panini grill
  • A set of griddle pans, because, "Who can live without being able to fry an egg well?"
  • A lifetime supply of ultra absorbent towels
  • Some cleaning shit in a yellow tin

17 comments:

  1. WOW. is all I can say.

    and: I kind of hate bloggers who post photos of their dumb-ass outfits, but I think you could really put Sea of Shoes to shame...

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  2. Mind you, this is partly how she bankrupted herself.


    And if only I were a little spoiled narcisstic cunt who didn't have a career to worry about...




    (I have a career)

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  3. You need to get her into thrifting. Same shopping highs at a lower price point.

    Yeah, my mother would never go thrifting.

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  4. Damn, I am jealous. Your haul is far better than what my almost mother in law "gifts" me from charity shops. I wouldn't mind if even one thing were wearable. Electric blue ruffled vest top with faux pearls? Anyone?

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  5. bahahaha, Grace. This is amazing.

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  6. 'lately' means in the last 2 years or the last 2 weeks?

    "And if only I were a little spoiled narcisstic cunt who didn't have a career to worry about.."

    you manage to sum up how I feel about teenage fashion bloggers so eloquently.

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  7. peonies, bullets 1-6, 7,8,9 were in the past month. the rest in the past year :)

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  8. ESB, is putting SOS to shame a good thing or a bad thing? I can't tell...

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  9. oh!!! i don't know what to say. and she even just randomly got all that stuff? not even for your birthday or anything?
    at least it makes a great blog post story!

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  10. totally random, but over a span of time.

    thanks, lovely liv!

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  11. Post some photos of yourself!

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  12. am i the only on who thinks that cobalt blue jacket sounds kind of amazing?

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  13. You are going to have to do an intervention
    Whoah - That anonymous comment about wanting photos sounds creepy
    -on a side note

    xt

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  14. this is amazing. ohmygod, so amazing. i wish my mom did infomercials instead of all the rhinestone-y glitter-y sequin-y clothes and accessories she always buys me from Zara and Loehmanns, thinking I love all things that shimmer because I did when I was 8.

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  15. Yay for faux-ny tails!

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  16. Words can't express how much I love this entry. This may be my favorite entry of all time.

    p.s. MAIL SOON xx

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  17. LOL! "two semi fug necklaces with Thatian pearls" you can really turn a phrase!

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The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.