My mom has some serious self control issues. Her latest compulsion is QVC/television shopping. I can't stop her. I've toyed with the notion of donning a ski mask and clipping through her cable lines in the dark of night.
It's difficult, because she's so excited to bestow upon me the latest miracle serum, etc. I accept all my sundries graciously and thank her, but tell her to save her money. But mostly, I pretty much just like to see that glimmer of happiness in her eye.
I fake it. "OH BOY! I LLLOVE IT! Thanks SO much."
Here's a partial list of what she's ordered for me lately:
- A faux ponytail/phonytail. It's surprisingly realistic. At first, I was slightly concerned that some small child in Bangladesh was scalped for the sake of western vanity. Then, once I got a faint whiff of Barbie hair, my mild fears were extinguished.
- Dr. Dbag's lip enhancing serum. Chock full of CAPSAICIN extract. Ouch!!! FACK! I slathered some on (even though, if I may say so myself, my lips are pretty full already), followed up with some collagen whatever builder. I now look like Angelina Jolie & a blow up doll's illegitimate love child.
- "2 Minute Miracle Exfoliating Gel". Some pink shit that you're supposed to rub off, but it's really just the product that's sloughing off, NOT your dead skin cells.
- A black sheer sequined dolman top that R says makes me look "very mature." I'm sorta into it, but maybe I'll tuck it away for 30 years, then whip it out for the casinos & buffets.
- Not one, but two semi fug necklaces with Tahitian pearls
- A turquoise necklace that resembles big blue gum balls. I'm sorta into it. Makes me feel like an earthy Marge Simpson.
- Deco-era sea urchinesque sapphire ring, that I was actually so fucking into, but LOST, because I'm an idiot and can't take care of nice things.
- A ruffled white dress shirt that made me feel semi-clownish, yet had that certain Hillary Clinton aura. I kept it.
- A steamer trunk full of "silver"ware. I'll be prepared if I ever need to host a dinner on the goddamn Titanic.
- A Montel Williams blender that blew up in smoke after 2 uses. (MONTEL, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.)
- Turquoise drip earrings
- Long gold crazy earrings
- A cobalt blue jacket with stand up collar and gigantor gold grommets (politely declined that one).
- A Wolfgang Puck panini grill
- A set of griddle pans, because, "Who can live without being able to fry an egg well?"
- A lifetime supply of ultra absorbent towels
- Some cleaning shit in a yellow tin