Thursday, December 16, 2010

In which I Channel Carrie at Graduation


R & I attended convocation for our MBAs today. Mainly for our parent's sake, but nonetheless. We sat on white folding chairs on the floor of the arena sweating under our highly flammable gowns and hoods. Seventeen minutes before the start of the ceremony, R & I decide to switch seats so we could each sit closer to our group mates. I stand and straddle over, then feel a gush of warmth trail down my leg. PANIC. This is what I get for trying to cajole a regular maxi on semi thongish underwear.

I perch for a moment, then spring up and run to my purse, that sat in my mom's lap in the bleachers. I snatch it from her then tried to find a restroom. The cunty usher insists that I have to climb 3 flights of stairs (in Alaïas) to the main concourse. BLERGH! At this point I could feel something dripping down my left leg. Surely my lace black tights would reveal all. Why did I have to change out of the opaque ones?!?!?!?

I huff up the stadium stairs hoping no one is witnessing this gruesome CSI scene behind me, run into the bathroom stall and begin hyperventilating whilst nearly ripping the toilet paper roll right off the the wall. I'm cramming toilet paper into my tights, wondering if the ceremony would start without me. I clean up the best I can and check the full length and notice a few spots on my gown. FML. I'd be walking across the stage any minute now.

I book it back down the steep stairs wondering maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I fell, then I could blame the blood on some kind of injury. I slip back into my seat, eyes paralyzed with fear, brows drenched with sweat. R asked if I was okay, but I was kind of slipping into a catatonic state.

I whisper to him and tell him what happened. He says he knew because when I abruptly launched up, I'd left behind a big stain on my white folding chair. Luckily, he thinks fast on his feet, so he grabbed a tiny sheet of yellow paper from the chair in front of him and covered up the stain. FAAAACK.

I stand a couple times for him to check if the entire back of my gown was covered in uterine lining. T'was not, as he informs me, pretending to fix my hood. I was a major stress ball the entire ceremony, trying to balance atop this 5 by 3 little yellow piece of paper, dreading walking across the stage. 

Good thing the gown was maroon, but STILL, quite mortifying. If ever ablation seemed like a good idea... I think I'm 100% sold.

Who the fuck had to clean up my chair?

26 comments:

  1. on the bright side, Dirty Pillows, M.A. has a magisterial ring to it.

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  2. I feel your pain tbsp. Too many times to describe. Red sea.

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  3. When in doubt, ALWAYS go with old maid chonies and overnight maxis with wings. There will never be a reason good enough to get me out of the usual combo.

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  4. oh and CONGRATULATIONS FRIEND!!!!! xo

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  5. thanks, lovie! good advice <3

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  6. you just gave me a flashback to the 8th grade.




    holy fuck.

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  7. :( Congratulations on your graduation, though!!!

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  8. @esb,IKNOWRIGHT?!

    @blackendblue, THANKS!

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  9. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman (Singing this comment)

    I once wrote a blog post about menstruation and a billion women chimed in with amazing stories! I will send you a link xoxoxoxo

    Congratulations!

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  10. Little-known fact: Carrie was made into a musical in 1988; it was a tremendous flop in the most marvelous sense. Let us regard your graduation as musical theatre, possibly with a bit of drippity tap-dancing. (MBA: The Musical! has quite a ring.)

    (Also, congratulations, my dear, and good job having such a solid fella--my third-grade seatmate was far less clever when I left a little puddle of urine in my seat during math races one day [multiplication tables, ugh).

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  11. what a good hubby! mine would probably have puked... useless, he is.

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  12. can we just make the whole story into a musical?

    (congratulations.)

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  13. Hilarious! And mortifying!

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  14. Woolgathering, any women who read this post is dying from laughter and feeling a deep bond with you.

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  15. WORST NIGHTMARE EVAH.

    Holy crap. I was shopping the other night and I had the same experience but on a much lesser scale. I had my pants so stuffed with toilet paper that I could barely walk. Thank God for well-stocked public bathrooms.

    And congratulations! :)

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  16. have i told you that i love reading your hilarious blog entries aloud to my bf? a-mazing, we live for it. :)

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  17. kris, that is so nice. so so nice. and a little embarrassing, but definitely crazy nice.

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  18. THE MUSICAL! Who would play me? Jennifer Tilly?

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  19. Let's cast this shit. R can be ... Ed Burns.

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  20. Sister, can wait to see your link.

    Sue ♥

    Annelise, seriously, but at least it made for good laughs now.

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  21. ooooooo nooooooooooooooooooooooo.

    Worst timing. Ever.

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  22. Woo, congratulations Miss Smartypants. I mean, Miss Smartybloodypants.

    My friend had a similar but less torrential episode once at work, and a senior colleague (who also happened to be a close relation of Heath Ledger's), asked her what had made that stain on the seat. "Oh, that's my period. You know, it leaks sometime?" was her response. I wouldhave been mortified. She didn't seem to care.

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  23. Greatest. Story. Ever. Should I ever, finally, become menopausal, I will cheer so loudly you may hear me.

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  24. Happens to the best of us.
    Congrats on your graduation!

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  25. This once happened to me in hospital. That was the day I shed my white coat for EVER.

    Congratulations!!

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The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.