Monday, April 11, 2011

The Day Her Ass Fell

I once had a supervisor named Cathy. She was a counselor-turned-director of a program for homeless women 'n' children. A loving warm woman in her fifties, with a husky voice and a bombastic laugh. No bullshit, the type that will fold you into her ample bosoms and stare at your naked soul. A universal mom, if you will.  She had the ability to reduce anyone to a pile of tears rocking, huddled in a corner. It was an amazing feat that her tissue box ever had any in it at all.

Only nineteen at the time, I recall her telling a few of us the story of The Day Her Ass Fell. She looked a thousand acres beyond our heads and recanted, "I was in front of the mirror, naked, brushing my long raven hair." She pretended to drag a brush past the length of her current bob. "Then, all of a sudden* I spotted something in the mirror! What was that??" 

Ever the storyteller, she leapt up from her chair, almost knocking it backwards on the floor. "What the-- whaa??" Now full on bending over looking through her legs.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT WAS MY ASS!!! MY ASS FELL!!!" at the top of her lungs.

Everyone exploded. I howled until streaks of mascara stained the front of my t-shirt. I laughed at her delivery and the absurdity of it all. My toned muscles and elastic skin, unscathed by the ravages of gravity, could not even venture to relate. So, I laughed it up, at her and her fallen ass' expense. She ate up our chuckles and got high.

Now, almost daily, I think back to that story. But this time, I'm no longer laughing. This is not a laughing matter. I need to either a) get to a gym tout suite or b) dismantle Einstein's theory of general relativity. Both seem equally difficult to me right now.

*there's always an 'all of a sudden' in every story

11 comments:

  1. love this! great imagery, chocolate for the brain :)

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  2. what a perfect image for the headline.

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  3. my ass fell forever ago. but my boobs are still holding strong. why is it so HARD to get to the gym????

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  4. hahahhahahahahahahahhahhahahahhahhhahaha.
    thanks, i needed that story today.

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  5. "assfell" would be a good viking name. he'd have a pennant with ravens. and an ass.

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  6. Handstands = backwards gravity.

    That's what I tell myself.

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  7. Shit. I think my ass just fell reading this. I love Cathy.

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  8. hahahahaha this is wonderful

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The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.