Monday, April 11, 2011

The Day Her Ass Fell

I once had a supervisor named Cathy. She was a counselor-turned-director of a program for homeless women 'n' children. A loving warm woman in her fifties, with a husky voice and a bombastic laugh. No bullshit, the type that will fold you into her ample bosoms and stare at your naked soul. A universal mom, if you will.  She had the ability to reduce anyone to a pile of tears rocking, huddled in a corner. It was an amazing feat that her tissue box ever had any in it at all.

Only nineteen at the time, I recall her telling a few of us the story of The Day Her Ass Fell. She looked a thousand acres beyond our heads and recanted, "I was in front of the mirror, naked, brushing my long raven hair." She pretended to drag a brush past the length of her current bob. "Then, all of a sudden* I spotted something in the mirror! What was that??" 

Ever the storyteller, she leapt up from her chair, almost knocking it backwards on the floor. "What the-- whaa??" Now full on bending over looking through her legs.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT WAS MY ASS!!! MY ASS FELL!!!" at the top of her lungs.

Everyone exploded. I howled until streaks of mascara stained the front of my t-shirt. I laughed at her delivery and the absurdity of it all. My toned muscles and elastic skin, unscathed by the ravages of gravity, could not even venture to relate. So, I laughed it up, at her and her fallen ass' expense. She ate up our chuckles and got high.

Now, almost daily, I think back to that story. But this time, I'm no longer laughing. This is not a laughing matter. I need to either a) get to a gym tout suite or b) dismantle Einstein's theory of general relativity. Both seem equally difficult to me right now.

*there's always an 'all of a sudden' in every story


  1. love this! great imagery, chocolate for the brain :)

  2. what a perfect image for the headline.

  3. my ass fell forever ago. but my boobs are still holding strong. why is it so HARD to get to the gym????

  4. hahahhahahahahahahahhahhahahahhahhhahaha.
    thanks, i needed that story today.

  5. "assfell" would be a good viking name. he'd have a pennant with ravens. and an ass.

  6. Handstands = backwards gravity.

    That's what I tell myself.

  7. Shit. I think my ass just fell reading this. I love Cathy.

  8. hahahahaha this is wonderful


The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.