Sunday, March 04, 2012

Dear W&M: Should I have a Last-Hurrah Fuck?


dear w&m,

i've been with my fiance for a few years now and for the majority of the time, we've been long-distance. i don't believe in soulmates and all that other sappy bullshit, but if there were such a thing, he's basically it - best thing that ever happened to me. however, because of the distance, sex has been scarce. when we have it, it's great but i've been living in asia since june 2011 and he's in new york. this is the longest i've gone without booty since i started doing it.


it's not THAT big of a deal except that i'm also one of those anxious, panicky types. i'm coming back to america only a few weeks before my insane blowout june wedding and am completely freaked the fuck out about having THE sex. you know, THE-i-havent-seen-you-but-in-my-dirty-nighttime-fantasies sex, THE-you-are-the-woman-of-my-dreams sex, THE-its-been-so-long-since-we've-had-sex-that-we-cant-remember-the-mediocre-sex-&-only-remember-the-insane-times-thus-putting-a-ridiculous-amount-of-pressure-on-the-sex SEX.


one of my last fucks prior to this relationship was with a friend who i'd known for several years. we had a few too many drinks one night and the tension that had been building forever just kind of exploded. it was mind-blowing. it only happened that one time & we are still close platonic friends to this day. my friend B is an amazing guy, super attractive & obviously knows what he's doing in the sack. 
 

would it be way too jen-aniston, romcom to have a practice romp with B before the nuptials - something to get my confidence back before the epic wedding sex with fiance? is it normal to want to have a last-hurrah fuck before getting married? is this something i should talk to my fiance about first? what if part of the appeal is NOT telling him at all and having something that's my private farewell to singledom? am i a horrible future wife? am i freaking out for no reason? should i just hit up babeland.com and shut the fuck up about this already?


fiance & i are very open about sex and sexuality and have always given each other quite a lot of space, support and encouragement in this regard. but i think it's always been this weird elephant in the room that i had a considerably more... uh... prolific single life. i think he's still weirded out about how tight me and B are, even though he tries his best not to mention it. B will even be at our wedding.


i don't know. i'm just buggin out. why does this marriage shit feel like such a big deal and so final and apocalyptic right now?

signed, 

(not yet) FUCKED

*            *           * 
Dear (not yet) FUCKED,

You can fuck your friend, you can get married, but you can't do both.

First off, chill the fuck out. There is not such thing as THE sex. You have totally unrealistic expectations placed on it. I'd suggest that you get down to The Business right when you get back on the same goddamned continent. It may or may not be perfect, but who cares!? You've done it before and you'll do it again. Let's let simple math give us some perspective here:

Assume that a couple has sex an average of 3x per week
3 sexins x 52 weeks per year = 156 sexins per year
156 sexins x 20 years (give or take) = 3,120 sexins

So for the thousands of sexins in your future (not to mention the hundreds already in your past), why are you freaking out about this ONE time? Stop being a crazy bitch.

Second, don't fuck your friend. If you're having second thoughts, perhaps you're not ready to get married. I think it's normal to be nervous and feel anxious, but it sounds like you're both open enough to explore sexually and keep each other satisfied.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. What if he had a super attractive, amazing girl friend with whom he had hooked up with in the past and whom you've always felt uneasy about their closeness? How cruel and crushing would it be if you found out they fucked right before your wedding and she was in the crowd watching your special day go down? Not so cool, right? Don't do it (at least not with B).

Good luck!
Gracie


[If you'd like to submit a question, please email me. No subject too random. No holds barred.]

21 comments:

  1. you crack me up if you rly think the AVERAGE MARRIED COUPLE has sex 3x per week FOR TWENTY YEARS.





    stop rubbing it in everyone else's face.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't. It was an ASSumption for a math problem.

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    2. p.s. if I were to rub it in, I'd tell you we average about 5x a week.

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  2. but: good advice.

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  3. Don't do it unless you invite your fiance to join you.

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  4. yeah, it makes it ten times worse that the guy you're talkin' about it one your fiance is already a little jealous of... give your guy a chance to rock your world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *IS one, not it one.

      (without a captchfhea ordeal I didn't get a chance to proofread)

      Delete
    2. :) you know how I feel about captchas... there's a little preview button down there though!

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  5. Obvs Gracie is right. You can't argue with MATH.
    However, I'd add that unless your guy is ok with extracurricular activities with outsiders in marriage there is a noteworthy chance he won't be ok with it while engaged.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh man, I had to read that last part 4 times!

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  6. Oh thank god you already said that 3 times a week thing was just for the math, cause I was bout to feel bad about myself. But you're spot on: the first-time-you-see-each-other sex will maybe be weird (i've done this, it was weird) as will the first several days, right? But you've got all the days after that to make it right.

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  7. Stellar advice. The first line of your response says it all. I love this feature on your blog, btw.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ♥ THANK YOU!! I'm so glad you like it :)

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  8. This American Life had an episode where the long time couple who felt perfect for each other had one month to have sex with others before marriage so they wouldn't feel like they'd missed out once they got married...it turned out sad...

    The put yourself in the other person's shoe method is always a good way to measure things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh, I'll have to look that one up. Sounds v. sad.

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  9. I love that you've become the raunchier version of dear abby... it's a calling I think!

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  10. BobbyAlmighty3/15/12, 10:13 PM

    Me too! I love how this has turned into an advice column. And you're GOOD at it, too! :-)

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The divine PB&J in me, salutes the divine PB&J in you.