It seems silly, but I've only recently made the connection that my anxiety manifests itself in dreams of staircases and old schools. They're usually open stairs that are spaced really far apart. So much so that I get paralyzed with fear and get stuck on one stair, unable to take the leap to the next step. The staircase that recurs the most looks like one that was in my old middle school that connected three floors.
I also find myself wandering hallways of versions of my former elementary and high schools. Sometimes entire floors are abandoned, or I enter through a secret stairwell. I'm wandering down darkly lit hallways and peering into the windows cut out in doors.
According to some retarded website, "to see a staircase in your dream symbolizes change and transformation." I suppose I'm anxious because I've accepted a new job. After four years and several titles at my current office, I was offered a really good, yet challenging, opportunity. It's very scary leaving something behind that you know you're good at.
Every time I land a new position, I spend the first couple of months crippled with anxiety. I try to mask it while I'm at work, but collapse into a complete basket case the moment I step through the door. I feel bad that R has to put up with this. I keep stashes of little white pills that make me feel dead inside all over the place. They're tucked away in wallets, drawers, and dashes. Easy access to mute the volume of the shrieking voices of self doubt.
I hope this time can be different. I'm more self aware and have gone through this cycle a few times to know better. I usually end up doing very well, so it would be rational to assume that I'll be able to excel at this new dig, too. I hope I can remember to be stronger this time 'round.